So the day I stopped looking for my thing, I found it. Well, it happened that day, it just took me a couple of weeks to put the pieces together.
I found myself in a really bad mood that lasted for about two weeks. Not depression, not anger, I just had the shits with everyone and everything. No one could do anything right around me. Everything was crap.
At the same time, Mr T was coming up with helpful things like “let’s get some Alpacas!”, “how about chickens?”, “temporary vege gardens?”. All these things are not the norm in a suburban rental, but out here, Alpacas, chickens and vege gardens are accepted, even encouraged.
After saying (possibly yelling) another no at Mr T, I took time out to see if I could work out where the resistance to these suggestions was coming from. It wasn’t the suggestions themselves, eventually I want Alpacas, chickens and vegies, just not right now.
My mind raced back to the first home I owned 20 years ago. I had an amazing flower garden in the front yard, and a big vege garden out the back. When I sold, I had to say goodbye to it.
The next house, no big garden, but I did leave a lot of my favourite plants behind.
House number three, same thing. I thought we were staying for a long time, so plants that had been carried around with me for 15 years were put in the ground. I had to say goodbye again.
House number four, no issue here, I wasn’t sad to say goodbye to the grass. Maybe this is where my subconscious started saying no more.
So here we are in a rental. I’m saying no to anything we might have to leave behind again. Gardens and plants, animal housing. Who knows what the future holds, what if we can’t take our animals with us when we move. I regularly see ads on the local Buy, Swap, Sell site offering animals free to good home due to not being able to take them when they move. I think that would break me.
So in all of this, I realised where my resistance to putting down roots was coming from. But the bad mood remained. So I sent my mind back to when this shitty mood started, and now that I had clarified in my mind what was happening, I could see it quite clearly.
The afternoon I stopped looking for my thing, I sat down and read the mail and in it was the latest Diggers Club catalogue. Full of seeds, seedlings and lots of other exciting garden goodies. I recall reading the catalogue full of hope and excitement then realising at the end, when I looked up at my surroundings, that there was no point in placing an order and getting excited, so I threw the catalogue down and said something like “everything’s shit! I hate everything! What’s the point!”. Cue bad mood.
My thing is and always has been gardening!
Now when I find myself getting down, I just remind myself that I do have a thing, I just can’t do much with it at the moment. What I can do however, is read, plan and learn so that when we do have land we can call our own, I can hit the ground running.by